Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
