He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
