I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
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When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
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My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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