her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
