i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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