guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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