Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
