I think my fart just growled at me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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