Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
