I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
