we have pet lesbian snakes
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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