Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
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Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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