We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
