you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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