My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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