im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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