Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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