Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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