I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
