i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
