now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I look better un-naked...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
