this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
