You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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