Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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