Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
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Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
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You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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