Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
