It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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