dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
