I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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