I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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