As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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