OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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