my phone needs a breathalizer
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
