I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
