I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
