kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
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just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
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it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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