I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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