Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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