Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
