Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
