The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize