im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
