I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
