Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
