Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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