I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
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I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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