dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
