Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
