I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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