Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
