Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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