he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
